60 Pen Puns That Are Ink-redibly Funny

Pens don’t get enough credit. Like, we’ve got this whole “the pen is mightier than the sword” thing, but nobody’s out here making the pen funnier than the sword. That changes today. I’ve been collecting these for an embarrassing amount of time, and some of them are genuinely clever while others are crimes against language that I’m committing anyway.

1. The Classic Opener

What’s a pen’s favorite sport? Penalty kicks. I know, I know, but you gotta start somewhere, and honestly this one’s been living rent-free in my head since I first heard it at a stationery convention. (Yes, I’ve been to a stationery convention. No, I don’t want to talk about it.)

2. Therapy Session

Why did the pen go to therapy? It needed to open up.

3.

You can always de-pen-d on a good pen.

4. This One’s a Stretch and I Don’t Care

My pen felt terrible about all its mistakes, so it decided to re-pen-t. Look, if you squint, it works. If you don’t squint, it still works. I’m proud of this one in the way you’re proud of a kid who tried really hard at the school play and forgot half their lines.

5.

What do you call it when a pen gets into trouble? A mishap-pen-ing.

6. The Money Cluster

• The ATM for pens would dis-pen-se ink.
• Writers often wish for a sti-pen-d to buy more pens.
• After buying all those fountain pens, I was in pen-ury.

Three for one. You’re welcome. The stipend one is genuinely my favorite of the bunch because it sounds completely natural in a sentence and that’s the mark of a good pen pun. (See what I did there? “Mark?” I’ll stop.)

7.

Why was the golden pen so expensive? Because it was worth its weight in ink.

8.

I like to s-pen-d time writing. That’s it. That’s the pun. Moving on.

9. The Real Estate One

Where do pens live when they get rich? In a penthouse!

I texted this to my friend Sarah and she blocked me for eleven minutes. Honestly? Respect.

10.

A writer needs to be in-de-pen-dent, especially when their pen runs out.

11. Criminal Justice

Where do bad pens go? The pen-itentiary. Where do REALLY bad pens go? A pen-al colony.

This is the kind of two-parter that makes me feel like I’m doing important work. I’m not. But it feels that way.

12.

I had an ink-ling that I’d run out of ink.

13.

What’s a pen’s favorite bird? A penguin. Obviously.

14. Okay This One Genuinely Slaps

The spy pen went ink-ognito.

THIS ONE. This is the one I’d get tattooed on my body if I were a different kind of person. The way “ink” just slides right into “incognito”, it’s clean, it’s clever, it works on paper (pun intended, sorry) and out loud. If you only remember one pen pun from this entire post, make it this one. I’m genuinely proud.

15.

My pen is so old, it’s ready for its pen-sion.

16.

“What’s the point of a pen if it doesn’t write?”
“That IS the point.”

17. Geography Lesson

What’s a pen’s favorite landform? A pen-insula.

Quick sidebar: I spent way too long trying to figure out if there’s a pen pun in “archipelago” and there isn’t. There just isn’t. I tried. Ark-ink-pelago? No. Stop. Let’s keep going.

18.

That pen’s performance was ink-redible!

19. The Deadline

I was sitting at my desk at 11:47 PM, staring at a blank page, and I could feel the deadline starting to im-pen-d. My pen was full of ink but my brain was completely empty. Classic.

20.

I need to ap-pen-d this note to the document.

21.

She had a strong pen-chant for collecting fountain pens.

22. The Medical One

My pen got sick, so I gave it pen-icillin.

This is terrible. I’m sorry. But also, did you know penicillin was discovered by accident? Alexander Fleming left a petri dish out and mold grew on it. That’s basically how I write this blog. Leave things out, see what grows. Sometimes it’s medicine. Usually it’s just mold.

23.

Don’t pencil me in, INK me in.

24. The Nerd One

My pen drew a perfect pen-tagon.

Fun fact that nobody asked for: a regular pentagon has interior angles of 108 degrees each. I know this because I was a geometry kid. Every friend group has one. Or had one, before we got weird about it.

25.

This book is a com-pen-dium of all my pen thoughts.

26.

The writer looked pen-sive, deep in thought with his pen. Tbh this one barely qualifies. The word already has “pen” in it. I basically just pointed at a word and said “look! Pen!” You deserve better. But here we are.

27. The Pendulum

My writing process swings back and forth like a pen-dulum, one day I’m productive, the next I’m googling “do pens expire” for forty-five minutes.

28.

I appoint this pen as my official writing tool.

29. Instagram-Ready

✨ Every pen has a story to tell. ✨

Caption that. Post it with a flat lay of your journal and a latte. Get 200 likes. I won’t judge. (I will judge a little.)

30.

He won the pen-manship contest hands down.

31. The Ink Trilogy

• My old pen is practically ex-ink-t.
• His writing style is very d-ink-stinct. Wait. No. Dist-ink-t. Yeah, that one.
• Can you link me to a good pen store? (The ink is hiding in “link” and honestly it’s barely there, I admit it.)

32.

I need to think before I ink.

33. The Jewelry One

She wore a beautiful pen-dant shaped like a quill, which is kinda the pen equivalent of wearing a portrait of your ancestor around your neck.

34.

The teacher had to pen-alize the student for not using a pen. Harsh but fair.

35.

Let your ideas flow from the pen.

36. I’m Unreasonably Proud of This One

Why did the pen go undercover? It wanted to pen-etrate the criminal organization.

The layering here, pen + penetrate + the idea of a spy pen (which are REAL THINGS, btw, I owned one in 2004 and it was the highlight of my entire childhood), just chef’s kiss. This is peak pen pun territory. We may never reach these heights again.

37.

“I told my roommate I was starting a pen collection.”
“She said, ‘That’s a slippery slope.'”
“I said, ‘No, that’s a ballpoint.'”

38.

He needed to pen-t up his emotions on paper. (Get it? Pent up? I’ll see myself out.)

39. The Caption You’ll Actually Use

New pen. Who dis?

40.

The ink managed to pen-etrate the thick paper. Yeah, I used “penetrate” twice. What are you gonna do, call the pen police? The pen-al authorities?

41. For the Fountain Pen Nerds

He took a nibble out of his pen cap, but the real tragedy was when he damaged the nib.

If you know, you know. Fountain pen people are a whole subculture. They have opinions about ink viscosity the way wine people have opinions about tannins. I respect it deeply. My Pilot Metropolitan is sitting right next to me as I type this, feeling very seen.

42.

Always remember to tip your pen.

43.

That’s a re-mark-able pen!

44. The Dramatic One

The sudden shortage of pens caused a writing pen-demic. Stores were empty. Writers were panicking. Someone tried to use a crayon for their dissertation. Dark times.

45.

This is the pen-ultimate chapter of my pen’s story, the next one is even better!

Ngl, most people don’t know “penultimate” means second-to-last and not “the very best ultimate thing” and honestly that confusion makes this pun work on two levels for two different audiences. Accidental genius.

46.

Always write your capital letters with a good pen. Cap-ital. Cap. Like a pen cap. I’m explaining it because I don’t trust it to land on its own. It probably still won’t.

47. The Escape Artist

The ink tried to es-cap-e the pen.

48.

My pen writes a very fine line.38mm, to be exact.

49.

I tried to cap-ture my thoughts with a pen, but they kept leaking out the other end.

50. The Halfway Point (Sort Of) Cluster

We’re deep in it now. Here are three rapid-fire ones before I lose you:

• I’m looking for a pen-pal to write letters with. (Wholesome.)
• My pen started to drip, it was a real mess. (Less wholesome.)
• Did you mark that down? (Barely a pun. More of a vibe.)

51.

You can’t erase the past, but you can erase pencil marks. Pens, though? Pens are forever. Commitment tools.

52. The Obscure One for My Calligraphy People

My flex nib has trust issues, it opens up when you press hard but snaps back the moment you let go. Honestly? Relatable.

If you don’t know what a flex nib is, this pun isn’t for you and that’s okay. Not every pun has to be universal. Some are for the three people in the back who just snorted.

53.

The essay offered a truly pen-etrating insight. (Third time I’ve used this root. I’m not sorry. It’s a good root.)

54.

My ideas are still raw, I need to pen them down before they disappear.

55. Another One I’d Text to a Friend

Just bought a $200 pen. Am I a collector or do I have a problem? Don’t answer that. Either way, I’m in-vested. Ink-vested? No. That doesn’t work. Forget I said anything.

56.

The lines I draw are always per-pen-dicular to the page.

57.

He explored a whole pen-insula of ideas with his pen. This is the same geography joke from earlier but dressed in a trench coat pretending to be a different joke. I see it. You see it. We’re all just gonna keep going.

58. The Writer’s Lament

Sometimes I suffer from a pen-ury of words, even with a great pen in my hand. The ink is full but the brain is empty. If that’s not a metaphor for my entire creative life, idk what is.

59.

Don’t paper over the cracks, write about them.

60. The Sendoff

“Every pen has a story,” my grandfather told me once, handing me a beaten-up Bic. “This one’s story is that it cost twelve cents and it’s outlasted three of my marriages.”

Anyway. My pen just ran out of ink, which feels like the universe telling me to stop. So: go forth and pen your own puns. Or don’t. I’m a blog, not a cop.

…pen-is mightier than the sword. Wait, no. Don’t end on that. Too late. It’s published.