60 Bible Puns That Are Wholly Testament-Approved

I grew up in a church where the pastor made at least one pun per sermon, and honestly? It ruined me. I can’t read a single book of the Bible without my brain immediately going to the worst possible wordplay. Years of Sunday school did this to me, and I’m not even a little sorry about it.

So here’s what my broken brain has produced.

1. The Genesis of All Bible Puns

I’ve been reading the book of Genesis and I’m starting to develop a general thesis. That thesis? Every single book of the Bible is a pun waiting to happen. We’re doomed from the very first page.

2.

I need to make an Exodus from this conversation.

3. Leave It to the Priests

When it comes to all those Old Testament regulations, you can always Leviticus. (Leave-it-to-us. Get it? Yeah, you got it. I’m not proud.)

4.

The book of Numbers is the only part of the Bible where accountants feel seen. Honestly, it’s their one moment. Let them have it.

5.

“How’s the Bible study going?”
“Deuteronomy best, but this chapter is killing me.”

6.

Reading the book of Job is a tough job.

That’s it. That’s the pun. I know. Moving on.

7-9. A Rapid-Fire Old Testament Triple Shot

• The Psalms are so calming, they’re practically palm-ing your anxiety away.
• He always speaks in wise sayings, that’s a very Proverbs-ial statement.
• Ecclesiastes really ecclesia-seize the day when it comes to existential dread.

10.

The Song of Solomon is a solo-monumentally romantic piece of literature. Like, ancient people were DOWN BAD. That book is spicier than most things on Netflix and nobody at church wants to talk about it.

11.

Is-a-yah, that’s a good prophet!

(This one is a favorite of mine. Say it fast. Isaiah = “Is a yeah.” It works perfectly and I will die on this hill.)

12.

Jeremiah was always lamenting. Dude literally wrote the book on it. Jerry, my-ah heart breaks for you, man.

13.

Ezekiel me, but I think I just saw a wheel within a wheel within a wheel.

If you know the Ezekiel vision, you know. If you don’t, just trust me, the man saw some THINGS.

14.

Why did Daniel stay calm in the lion’s den? Because he was a Dan-yell-for-joy kind of guy.

Okay that one was a stretch. A real stretch. Like yoga-in-a-lion’s-den levels of stretch.

15.

Hosea can you see, by the dawn’s early light…

Wrong book. Wrong testament entirely. But I’m keeping it because it makes me laugh every single time, and this is my blog.

16. The One I’m Most Proud Of

Jonah really went through a whale of a tale. He got swallowed up in his work. You could say he had a gut feeling things would work out. The whole situation was hard to stomach, but he came out okay in the end.

Four whale/stomach puns in one entry. I peaked. It’s all downhill from here.

17.

“Whose car is that parked in the church lot?”
“That’s Micah.”
“My car? No, I took the bus.”

18.

Nahum room for negativity when you’re reading the minor prophets.

19.

Habakkuk? More like have-a-cookout. That’s what the prophet would’ve wanted. Probably. I have no textual evidence for this.

20-21. Two Minor Prophet Puns That Are, Appropriately, Minor

• Zephaniah, safe-and-I-ah am glad to see you made it through that prophecy of doom.
• Haggai sounds like a hag-guy, and honestly his book IS kinda grumpy about the temple not being rebuilt yet, so… it fits?

22.

Malachi is the last book of the Old Testament, and honestly, it feels like a mallet-to-the-chi, just drops the mic and goes silent for 400 years. Dramatic king behavior.

23.

Quick sidebar: I find it genuinely hilarious that there are 66 books in the Protestant Bible and basically every single one of them can be turned into a pun. God knew what He was doing with those names. That’s my theological take for the day.

24. The Gospel Section (Mark My Words)

Mark my words, this gospel is important. And Luke, look at all these parables! Matthew, I’m so glad to Matt-you. And John… okay, John is just John. Not every name is a pun, people. Sometimes a John is just a John.

25.

The book of Acts is full of action and honestly reads like a first-century thriller. Peter’s escaping prison, Paul’s getting shipwrecked, everyone’s getting dramatically converted. It’s a lot.

26.

Adam and Eve had a-dam good thing going in the garden.

📱 That’s an Instagram caption right there. Screenshot it. Use it on your next nature photo. You’re welcome.

27.

Noah’s Ark was quite the ark-itectural feat. Building a boat with no power tools? In that economy?

28.

Why did Moses make such a good leader? Because he was mo-ses-t definitely not taking no for an answer from Pharaoh.

(I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. That one barely qualifies as wordplay. It’s more of a word… suggestion.)

29.

Parting the Red Sea was a sea-rious miracle.

30. Text You’d Send Your Church Group Chat at 11pm

manna from heaven? man, that’s good food 🍞

31.

Goliath had a Goliath-sized problem when David showed up with a sling and zero chill. That kid really rocked his world. Stoned him, if you will.

Wait, the “stoned” pun works on like three levels in a biblical context and I just realized that. I’m leaving it.

32.

King David was a Dave-id-icated worshipper. Literally danced in the streets. No shame. Current worship leaders could never.

33.

A prophet can always pro-fit from God’s word.

34-36. The Epistle Cluster

Paul wrote SO many letters, so here’s a bunch at once:

• The Ephesians were e-fish-ient at spreading the gospel. (Fish pun AND a Bible pun? Double points.)
• Philippians? More like fill-up-ians, that book is FULL of joy.
• The Colossians had co-loss-al faith. Colossal. Colossians. Come on, that one writes itself.

37.

Hebrews, he brews a strong cup of faith.

This is genuinely one of the best bible puns in existence and I didn’t even invent it. It’s been circulating since approximately the dawn of Christian dad jokes. I just want to honor it here.

38.

Samson was a Sam-son-of-a-gun. That man’s whole deal was being strong and making terrible romantic decisions. Relatable king (minus the strength part).

39.

Turning water into wine was a wine-derful miracle, and also the reason Jesus gets invited to every party.

📱 Another Instagram caption. Wedding photo? “He turned water into wine and I turned my life into a celebration.” Go. Post it. Tag me.

40.

The cross was a cross-roads for humanity.

That one’s actually kinda deep if you think about it. I surprised myself.

41.

“How was the sermon?”
“Sir-mon-umentally long.”
“So… normal Sunday?”

42.

The resurrection was the ultimate rise-and-shine moment.

That’s the one. That’s my desert island bible pun. If I could only keep one, it’d be this. It works as a pun, it works theologically, it works as an Easter morning text to your mom. Perfect.

43.

The serpent took a serpentine path to tempt Eve. Literally. The word serpentine COMES from serpent. This isn’t even a pun, it’s just etymology. But it sounds like one so I’m counting it.

44.

Sin is a sin-sational mistake.

Terrible. I know. We’re in the home stretch though, so my standards are dropping.

45-47. The Holy Trinity of Bad Puns

• Grace is truly a-grace-ing my life. (Nope.)
• Have faith in your faith-ful God. (That’s not even a pun, that’s just… a sentence.)
• Prayer is a pray-fect way to communicate with God. (I hate this one the most, which is why it’s here.)

48.

Peter, you’re a rock-solid disciple! And I mean that literally because “Peter” means “rock” in Greek. Jesus named him that on purpose. The original bible pun was made BY JESUS HIMSELF. Think about that.

49.

Jude, you’re a dude with a message.

The book of Jude is only 25 verses long, so that’s all the pun it gets. Proportional representation.

50.

The gospel is literally “good news”, or as I like to think of it, God’s spell-binding story. The word “gospel” comes from Old English “gōdspel” meaning good tidings. This is more of a fun fact than a pun but I’m at number 50 and I’ve earned the right to ramble.

51.

Titus was running a tight-us ship in Crete.

52.

Timothy, it’s time-for-tea and Bible study. ☕

📱 Send this to your small group leader at 6am. Establish dominance.

53.

I told my friend I was studying Philemon and she said “File-a-man? That sounds like an HR complaint.” And honestly? The book IS about workplace relationships (Onesimus was a runaway slave/servant). So she wasn’t entirely wrong.

54.

The dove brought back an olive branch to Noah, and honestly that was dove-ly.

Gorgeous? No. Functional? Barely. But it’s gentle, like a dove, and I’m keeping it.

55.

Romans? More like roam-ans, Paul couldn’t stop traveling and writing letters to people. The man was a first-century pen pal on a mission.

56. One for the Theology Nerds

Jesus is the Lamb of God, a truly lambent sacrifice. “Lambent” means softly glowing, which works if you think about the Transfiguration, AND it sounds like “lamb-ent.” This pun operates on three levels and I need everyone to acknowledge that.

57.

Why was Balaam’s donkey the best comedian in the Bible? Because even when everyone else was being stubborn, that donkey spoke the truth.

(If you don’t know the Balaam’s donkey story from Numbers 22, go read it. A donkey literally talks. It’s wild. The Bible is wild.)

58.

Galatians? Gal-actions speak louder than words, which is ironic because Paul wrote them a pretty angry letter.

59.

The crown of thorns was a real thorny issue.

Too dark? Maybe too dark. It stays though because technically it’s accurate.

60. The Revelation Finale

The book of Revelation is a real reveal-ation, and honestly, after 65 books of buildup, the ending better be dramatic. Spoiler: it is. Seven seals, four horsemen, a dragon. Michael Bay wishes he wrote something this intense.

61.

My faith is rock-solid, like the Rock of Ages. Or like Peter. Or like the stone that was rolled away. The Bible loves a good rock metaphor. Geology and theology, same energy.

62.

Don’t be hell-bent on making bad decisions when you could be heaven-sent instead.

📱 That one genuinely works as a caption. Sunset photo. Maybe a mountain. You know the vibe.

63.

Obadiah? Oh-bah-diah, that’s the shortest book in the Old Testament. One chapter. The man said what he needed to say and LEFT. Respect.

64.

My pastor once said “the Bible is like a sword” and someone in the back yelled “double-EDGED content!” and got asked to leave the sanctuary. That person was not me. (It was me.)

65.

Solomon was so-low-on-modesty that he built the most extravagant temple anyone had ever seen. 700 wives. A golden throne. The man had ZERO chill and MAXIMUM wisdom. Weird combo tbh.

66.

An angel walks into a bar. The bartender says “What’ll it be?” The angel says “Just a harp seltzer.” The angel was an arc-angel. I’ll see myself out.

Ngl that pun had too many moving parts and none of them worked perfectly but I’ve committed to it now.

67.

The Ten Commandments: God’s original top ten list. Moses came down from Mount Sinai like “you won’t BELIEVE number seven.” (Thou shalt not commit adultery. People never believe that one apparently.)

I realize I should probably stop before I get struck by lightning. But one more.

Jesus fed 5,000 people with five loaves and two fish. That’s not a pun, that’s just incredible catering. The real miracle was that there were leftovers. Twelve baskets. At a free event. If that’s not a loaves-ly miracle, idk what is.