Pirate Puns: 60 That’ll Have You Hooked

Pirates are the one group of historical criminals we’ve collectively decided are just… fun. Nobody dresses up as a Victorian pickpocket for Halloween. But a pirate? Throw on an eyepatch and suddenly you’re the life of the party. Anyway, I’ve been stockpiling pirate puns like they’re doubloons, and honestly some of these are treasure and some are barnacles. You’re getting all of them.

1. The One Everyone Knows

What’s a pirate’s favorite letter? You’d think it’s R, but their first love is always the C.

(I know, I know. But I couldn’t NOT start here. It’s the law of pirate puns. We pay our respects and move on.)

2. Career change

Why did the pirate go to art school? He wanted to learn how to draw his cutlass.

3.

What do you call a pirate with two eyes, two legs, and two hands? A beginner.

4. This one I’m genuinely proud of

A pirate walks into a bar with a ship’s wheel sticking out of his pants. The bartender says, “Hey, you know you’ve got a wheel in your trousers?” The pirate says, “Aye, and it’s driving me nuts.”

I didn’t invent this one but I’ve been telling it at parties for fifteen years and it has never once failed me. Not once. The delivery is everything, you gotta commit to the pirate voice on that last line.

5.

How much did the pirate pay for his hooks? An arm and a leg.

6. Hygiene corner

Why don’t pirates shower before walking the plank? They’ll just wash up on shore later.

7.

Pirate puns are like sea shanties, even the bad ones are fun if you’re drunk enough.

That’s not a pun. That’s just true. Moving on.

8. Rapid fire round

• Pirate’s favorite fast food? Arrr-by’s.
• Favorite socks? Arrr-gyle.
• Favorite school subject? Arrr-t.
• Favorite math? Arrr-ithmetic.

Look, the “arrr + word” format is the lowest-hanging fruit on the pirate pun tree and I’m not gonna pretend otherwise. But sometimes you just need volume.

9.

What do you call a pirate who skips class? Captain Hooky.

10. Report card season

Why’d the pirate get held back a grade? His scores were all below C level.

This one’s sneaky good. Sea level. C level. It works on two axes and I won’t apologize for loving it.

11.

What’s a pirate’s favorite music genre? Rrr-and-B.

12.

I told my friend I was writing pirate puns and she said “how many?” and I said “about sixty” and she just stared at me with this look of genuine concern. Anyway.

13. The golf one

Why was the pirate terrible at golf? He kept hooking the ball.

14.

What’s a pirate’s favorite exercise? The plank.

(Instagram caption energy right there. Post a gym selfie with that. You’re welcome.)

15.

What did the ocean say to the pirate? Nothing. It just waved.

16. Okay this one’s a stretch

What do you call a pirate who gardens? A plant-arrr. I’m sorry. I’m genuinely sorry. That one barely counts and we both know it.

17.

Why did the pirate refuse to play cards? He was already sitting on the deck.

18. The food section nobody asked for

What’s a pirate’s least favorite vegetable? Leeks. Can’t have those on a ship.

19.

Where do pirates grab dinner? Long John Silver’s. (This is just a fact though, isn’t it? Is it even a pun if it’s literally a pirate-themed restaurant named after a pirate? I’m counting it anyway because I need the numbers.)

20.

What’s a pirate’s favorite type of bread? Hardtack.

This one’s for the history nerds. Hardtack was actual ship biscuit, basically an indestructible cracker that could survive a transatlantic voyage and also double as a weapon. Sailors called the weevils that infested it “extra protein.” The 1700s were wild.

21. A personal favorite

My kid asked me what a pirate’s favorite letter was and before I could answer she said “you’d THINK it’s R but it’s actually P, because without it they’re just irate.” She’s nine. I’ve never been more proud and more professionally threatened at the same time.

22.

What kind of car does a pirate drive? An Oldsmobile Cutlass.

23. Caption-ready

Seas the day. ⚓

(Basic? Yes. Effective? Also yes. Put it on a sunset photo and watch the likes roll in.)

24.

“I told my crew I was going on a diet.”
“What’d they say?”
“They said I should watch my poopdeck.”

That one’s terrible. Truly terrible. I’m leaving it in because I already typed it.

25.

Why did the pirate cross the road? To get to the other tide.

26. The niche one

What’s a pirate’s favorite knot? A bowline, because it’s the one they can never untie from their heart.

Nah I’m kidding, that’s not a pun, that’s a greeting card. The real answer is: What did the bosun say when the rigging snapped? “Guess I’ll have to take a different tack.” If you know sailing terminology, that one hits. Tacking is when you change direction relative to the wind. If you don’t know sailing terminology, I just made you learn something. You’re welcome.

27.

What’s a pirate’s favorite type of fish? Swordfish. Obviously.

28. The one I can’t stop thinking about

Why do pirates make great singers? Because they can hit the high Cs.

HIGH Cs. High SEAS. This pun is operating on multiple levels and I feel like it doesn’t get the respect it deserves. I thought of it in the shower three days ago and I’ve been insufferable about it since.

29.

What do you call a pirate who’s always complaining? A grum-matey.

Weak? Sure. But “matey” is doing so much heavy lifting in pirate puns that it deserves its own pension.

30.

A pirate walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. You look terrible. What happened?” The pirate says, “What d’ye mean?” The bartender says, “The wooden leg, the hook, the eye patch…” The pirate says, “Aye, a cannonball hit me leg, so I got a wooden one. Me hand was cut off in a sword fight, so I got a hook.” The bartender says, “And the eye patch?” The pirate says, “A seagull pooped in me eye.” The bartender says, “You lost your eye from seagull poop?” The pirate says, “Well, it was me first day with the hook.”

That’s not really a pun. It’s just the best pirate joke ever written. Consider it a palate cleanser.

31.

Shiver me timbers, it’s cold out here.

(Winter Instagram caption. Screenshot this for December.)

32. Quick cluster

• What’s a pirate’s favorite movie rating? Arrr.
• What’s a pirate’s favorite letter on a report card? Also arrr.
• What’s a pirate’s favorite sound a dog makes? Still arrr.

I have beaten this horse. The horse is dead. The horse is now a ghost ship.

33.

Why did the pirate bring a ladder to the bar? He heard the drinks were on the house.

34.

Tbh the fact that “booty” means both treasure and, well, booty, is a gift that keeps on giving for pirate pun writers. It’s almost too easy. Which is why I’m going to use it exactly once and make it count:

35. The booty pun

Why did the pirate go to the gym? He heard they had great booty workouts.

(Send that to someone. Just do it. No context.)

36.

What’s a pirate’s favorite type of cookie? Chips ahoy.

37. For the maritime history crowd

Did you know Blackbeard’s real name was Edward Teach? Which means technically, every time he boarded a ship, he was teaching people a lesson.

That’s a stretch. I know that’s a stretch. But the Venn diagram of people who love puns and people who love obscure pirate trivia is basically a circle, so.

38.

What do you call a pirate who’s always late? Tardy-matey.

39.

To err is human. To arrr is pirate.

This is peak bumper sticker material and I am not above bumper sticker material.

40. Exercise equipment

What’s a pirate’s favorite gym machine? The rowing machine.

I almost didn’t include this because it’s more of a “heh” than a pun, but sometimes a “heh” is all you need.

41.

Why couldn’t the pirate play the trumpet? Because he was lost at C.

42.

Side note: I’ve been down a Wikipedia rabbit hole about Letters of Marque and now I kinda think privateers were just pirates with better lawyers? Like, the whole distinction between piracy and privateering was basically a government-issued permission slip. “It’s not looting, it’s authorized asset redistribution.” Anyway.

43. One of my best

What do you call a pirate who reads Foucault? A post-structuralist buccaneer.

…Okay, that’s not even a pun. I just wanted to see if anyone was still paying attention. The real pun: What’s a pirate’s favorite philosophical framework? Arrrr-istotelianism.

44.

Why was the pirate such a good boxer? He had a killer right hook.

45.

What’s a pirate’s favorite brand of chips? Chipotle. Wait no. Ship-otle? You know what, neither version of this works. I’m keeping it here as a monument to my failure.

46.

My friend’s kid went through a pirate phase for three straight years. Three years. Every birthday party was pirate themed. Every bedtime story had to have pirates. The kid would only eat fish sticks because they were “sea food for me crew.” He’s twelve now and wants to be an accountant. Kids are unpredictable.

47. The text message pun

You’re the treasure I’ve been searching for 🏴‍☠️

(Cheesy? Devastatingly. But send that to your partner on a random Tuesday and tell me it doesn’t work.)

48.

What do you call a pirate’s hairstyle? A crew cut.

49.

Why did the pirate get fired from the call center? Every time someone asked for help, he said “I’m on board.”

50. Deep cut for the sailing nerds

What did the pirate say when his jib sheet jammed? “Foresail’s a sign I should’ve stayed in port.”

If you don’t sail, this means nothing to you and I respect that. If you DO sail, you just exhaled sharply through your nose. That’s all I ask.

51.

What’s a pirate’s favorite type of weather? A light plunder-storm.

52.

I like my coffee how I like my pirates. Dark and full of rum.

53. Rapid fire, no apologies

• What did the first mate see in the toilet? The captain’s log.
• What’s a pirate’s worst nightmare? A sunken chest with no booty.
• Where do pirates park their ships? In the harrrr-bor.

54.

Why are pirates so good at singing? They’re always on pitch. You know, like the pitch they use to waterproof the hull.

I had to explain that one and explaining a pun is like dissecting a frog, you understand it better but the frog dies.

55.

What’s a pirate’s favorite social media platform? Insta-plank.

Ngl that one came to me at 2 AM and seemed way funnier then.

56.

A pirate and a sailor walk into a bar. The pirate says, “Where’s the bartender?” The sailor says, “He’s on his break.” The pirate says, “Well, that’s a mutiny against good service.”

57. The one that works as a pickup line (proceed at your own risk)

Are you a treasure map? Because I just found the X that marks the spot.

58.

What do pirates wear in the winter? Long Johns. (Like Long John Silver. But also long underwear. Kinda works on three levels if you think about, okay it works on two levels. Maybe one and a half.)

59.

Why did the pirate become an attorney? He was great at filing briefs on the high seas.

Admiralty law pun. That’s gotta be a first for this blog. Probably a first for any blog.

60. The closer

What’s a pirate’s favorite part of a song? The hook.

I thought about ending on something clever, some grand finale pun that ties everything together. But honestly? Sixty pirate puns is already more than any reasonable person needs. If you made it this far, you’re not reasonable. You’re one of my people. Now get out of here before I start on the nautical knot puns.