It’s About Time: 57 Puns That Are Second to None

I’ve been thinking about time puns for way too long now, and the irony isn’t lost on me. Somewhere around hour three of this I started questioning my life choices, but then I landed on a really good one and the dopamine hit carried me through. Time is honestly the perfect pun topic because we’ve built like 400 idioms around it and every single one of them is begging to be ruined.

1. The One That Started This Whole List

I tried to save time, but I ended up spending it all. Story of my entire twenties, honestly.

2. Quick hitter

Time flies when you’re having fun, but it takes the bus when you’re at the DMV.

3.

Why did the hour go to the doctor? It was feeling a little run down.

(Like a clock that needs winding. Get it? I know you get it. I just really need you to appreciate this one.)

4.

My clock’s a real comedian. Every time I look at it, it cracks up, right down the face.

5. I’m genuinely proud of this one

A sundial walked into a bar. The bartender said, “We don’t get many sundials in here.” The sundial said, “At these prices, I’m not surprised, I can only afford the happy hour, and only when it’s sunny.” Look, I know that’s more of a shaggy dog than a pun, but the whole concept of a sundial having limited working hours delights me more than it should. It’s the kind of joke I’d text a friend at 2 AM and then wake up regretting.

6, 8. Rapid fire round

• I’m reading a book about clocks. It’s about time.
• My watch broke, so now I have too much time on my hands.
• I tried to make time for my hobbies, but I couldn’t find the right materials.

9.

What do you call a lazy clock? A tick-tocker.

That one’s for the algorithm.

10.

“Hey, do you have the time?” “I did, but I gave it away. Very generous with my seconds.”

11. The Groan Zone

Don’t waste time, unless you’re a garbage collector. Yeah, I know. I’m not sorry enough to delete it though.

12.

I tried to kill time, but it just kept ticking. Resilient little bastard.

13.

Broke up with my calendar. Our days were numbered.

This is an Instagram caption and I won’t be taking feedback on that.

14.

My friend asked me if I knew any time puns. I said give me a minute.

Okay sidebar, does anyone else find it weird that we say “o’clock” and nobody questions it? It’s “of the clock.” We just… abbreviated it into nonsense and moved on. Anyway.

15. Subtitle: Niche Alert

A cesium atom walks into NIST and says, “I’m ready for my 9,192,631,770 oscillations per second.” The physicist says, “Right on time.” If you know about atomic clock frequency standards, this one hits different. If you don’t, I respect you for reading this far anyway.

16.

Why did the man sit on the clock? He wanted to be on time.

(Terrible. Absolutely terrible. My eight-year-old nephew told me this one and I’m including it out of familial obligation.)

17.

Second hands are great at their job. They always come around eventually.

18.

The clock was hungry so it went back four seconds.

19. This one’s a thinker

I told my therapist I have trouble living in the present. She said, “That’s a tense situation.” Three tenses, one pun. I’m gonna call that efficient wordplay and you’re gonna let me have it.

20.

Spring forward, fall back. That’s also how I describe my last relationship.

21, 23.

• My watch is broken, it’s just not my time.
• I have a clock that runs counterclockwise. Times are changing.
• The calendar’s days are numbered. All of them. That’s literally what a calendar is.

24.

Why do clocks never get invited to parties? They’re always winding people up.

25. The one I’d text a friend at midnight

currently having a staring contest with my alarm clock. winner gets to decide if tomorrow happens. ⏰

26.

My boss told me to clock out. I don’t even own a cuckoo clock, what am I supposed to clock out of?

27.

The clock wanted to chime in on the conversation, but it didn’t want to alarm anyone.

28. I apologize in advance

What timezone do tacos live in? Pico de Daylight.

That’s… that’s a stretch. I know it’s a stretch. Pico de gallo? Daylight saving? Look, they can’t all be winners.

29.

Time heals all wounds, which is why I’ve started scheduling my injuries.

30.

“I told my wife I’d be home in five minutes.”

“And?”

“That was half an hour ago, so technically I’ve been home in five minutes six times.”

31.

Procrastinators have all the time in the world. They just haven’t gotten around to using it yet.

I just realized I’m at the halfway point and I’ve been sitting here for genuinely too long. The cobbler’s children have no shoes and the time pun writer has no sense of how long things take. Moving on.

32. Niche one #2

John Harrison spent decades perfecting the marine chronometer so sailors could determine longitude at sea. You could say he was really trying to find himself. Specifically, he was trying to find himself on a map. Because longitude. The Longitude Prize of 1714 was no joke, but this pun about it kind of is.

33.

Daylight saving time is proof that the government can just… make up an hour. Wild.

(Not technically a pun, more of an observation, but I’m leaving it because it haunts me every March.)

34.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds. Wait, did I already do this one? I might’ve already done this one. Whatever, it’s a classic, it deserves two slots.

35.

I’m always on time. Never a second late.

36.

Why did the stopwatch break up with the sundial? It felt like the relationship was only working when things were bright.

37. Another one for the group chat

new year’s resolution: be more present 🎁⏰ (the gift and the tense, get it, this works on two levels, I will not shut up about it)

38, 40. Alarm clock trilogy

• My alarm clock is so annoying, it always wakes me up with a start.
• I named my alarm clock “Opportunity” so I can say opportunity keeps knocking.
• Threw my alarm clock out the window. Time flies.

41.

The watchmaker’s marriage was on the rocks. They just couldn’t find the right time to fix things.

42.

I used to be a horologist, but I didn’t have the time for it.

Tbh most people don’t even know horology is the study of timekeeping. They hear “horologist” and think something very different, which has made for some awkward introductions at parties I’m told.

43.

Midnight. The original witching hour and also when I make my worst online purchases.

44.

Why did the man throw his clock out the window? He wanted to see time fly. Yeah this is the oldest time pun in existence and I’d feel guilty not including it. Think of it as a heritage pun.

45. Genuinely clever, please clap

An escapement mechanism walks into a watchmaker’s shop and says, “I’m having an identity crisis. I don’t know if I’m coming or going.” The watchmaker says, “That’s literally your job.” If you know how an escapement works, the back-and-forth oscillation that regulates a clock’s movement, this is chef’s kiss. If you don’t, just trust me and laugh politely.

46.

I have a friend who collects vintage clocks. He’s got a lot of time on his walls.

47.

“What time is it?”
“Time to get a watch.”
“I have a watch. It says 3:15.”
“Then why’d you ask?”
“I wanted a second opinion.”

48.

The clock factory worker got fired. She just couldn’t keep up, too many overtime hours.

49.

Quarter past three. That’s 25 cents and a restraining order in some neighborhoods.

(Okay this one barely qualifies as a pun and is more of a weird observation. Including it anyway because I’m the author and I can.)

50. The Big 5-0

Half the puns are done. Or as a clock would say, we’ve come full circle. Except we haven’t. There are more. Time is a flat circle, or whatever McConaughey said.

51.

My grandfather clock stopped working. Now it’s just my grandfather furniture.

52.

Why did the calendar go to therapy? It had too many dates and couldn’t commit to any of them.

53, 55. Time travel batch

If I could travel back in time, I’d invest in Apple stock. That’s not a pun, that’s just financial planning.

Time travelers are the worst dinner guests. They always show up before they’re invited.

A time traveler walks into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travelers here.” The time traveler says, “Well, you did yesterday. Or was it tomorrow? I’ve lost track.”

56.

ngl “it’s 5 o’clock somewhere” is doing a LOT of heavy lifting in the alcoholism-to-optimism pipeline

57. Instagram-ready

running out of time and into the weekend ✌️

58.

Why don’t clocks ever win races? They always run out of time.

(Groan. I know. We’re in the home stretch and quality control has left the building.)

59.

The minute hand and the hour hand finally met up. It was only a matter of time.

60. Niche one #3

Swatch tried to reinvent time in 1998 with Swatch Internet Time, 1,000 “.beats” per day, no time zones, the whole thing based on the meridian in Biel, Switzerland. It was a solution to a problem nobody had. You could say they were… ahead of their time. Or that they beat everyone to the punch. Or that nobody could beat the old system. Three puns for the price of one and all of them mediocre, which kinda describes Swatch Internet Time itself.

61. Bonus because I can’t count

My sundial only works during the day. Talk about a fair-weather friend.

62.

What do you call a belt made of watches? A waist of time.

63.

I asked the clock if it was tired. It said, “I’m wound up, actually.”

64.

Father Time and Mother Nature walked into couples counseling. She said he was always rushing. He said she was too unpredictable. The therapist said they needed to weather it out, together. They’re still working on it. Kinda like the climate.

65.

The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

This is the best time pun ever written and I didn’t write it, which haunts me daily.

I started this list thinking I’d wrap it up in an hour. That was three hours ago. Guess time really does fly when you’re making terrible puns, or maybe it just crawls and I’ve lost all sense of it. Either way: a waist of time. Get it? Because the belt one. Okay I’m done.