The Most Hex-cellent Witch Puns (61 and Counting)

Witches have been getting a bad rap for centuries and honestly? They’re the most pun-friendly demographic in all of folklore. Vampires wish they had this range. Between the broomsticks, the cauldrons, the hexes, the spells, it’s like witches were designed by someone who wanted comedians to eat well forever. I’ve been stockpiling these for an embarrassing amount of time.

1. The Classic Opener

Which witch is which?

Look, we had to start here. It’s the law. I don’t make the rules. (Actually in this case I literally do, but still.)

2.

She’s got a lot of potion-tial.

3. The Text You Send at 11pm

I’m feeling a little witchy today 🧹

This one does double duty and you know exactly what I mean. Send it to your group chat. Watch chaos unfold.

4.

Why did the witch go to school? To improve her spell-ing.

5.

Don’t hex-itate to ask for help.

I’m genuinely proud of this one because it reads so smoothly you almost miss it. That’s the mark of a good pun, it passes as a real sentence. Most of mine do not clear that bar, as you’ll see shortly.

6.

I told my friend I was dating a witch. He said “You’re under her spell.” I said “No, I’m under her roof, rent’s cheaper when your landlord can conjure furniture.”

7, 9. The Broom Cluster

• She’s a broom with a view.
• I need a little broom for improvement.
• She’s not my roommate, she’s my broom-mate.

Three broom puns in a row because honestly once you start you can’t stop. It’s a sickness.

10.

What’s brewing?

That’s it. That’s the pun. Works as a greeting, works as a cauldron joke, works as a text. Perfection in two words.

11.

She’s a real hex-pert in her field.

12. One I’m Weirdly Proud Of

I tried to organize a witch convention but nobody could agree on a date. Too many conflicting spell-endars.

This one came to me at 3am and I sat up in bed like a cartoon character. Is it the best pun ever written? No. Did I feel like it was in that moment? Absolutely yes.

13.

She’s wicked smart.

Boston witches have been saying this unironically for decades and it kills me every time.

14.

My witch friend opened a bakery. Everything she makes is from scratch. Scratch as in, okay you get it.

15.

Don’t get your wand in a twist.

16.

“How was the witch’s party?”
“It was absolutely spell-binding.”

17.

I’m hex-tremely tired.

Yeah, this one’s lazy. I know. Sometimes you just shove “hex” in front of a word and call it a day. I’m not above it. Nobody’s above it.

18.

She’s a real spell-ebrity in the coven community.

19. The Deep Cut

My favorite witch runs her coven on a strictly Thessalian model, she says modern witchcraft has lost its classical roots.

If you know about Thessalian witches from Greek antiquity, this one’s for you. If you don’t, tbh just skip ahead, I won’t be offended. Ovid would’ve laughed though.

20.

She’s got a lot of spirit. And a few spirits in her potion.

21.

What do you call a witch who lives at the beach? A sand-witch.

I’M SORRY. I know. I KNOW. This is probably the oldest witch pun in existence and it was already tired when your grandmother told it. But I can’t in good conscience make a witch pun list without it. Consider it a heritage entry.

22.

We’re a pretty coven-ient group of friends.

23.

A witch walked into a bar. The bartender said “We don’t serve your kind here.” She said “That’s fine, I brought my own spirits.”

24.

She’s always stirring up trouble.

Okay quick tangent, has anyone else noticed that every witch in every movie stirs their cauldron counterclockwise? I looked this up once and apparently widdershins (counterclockwise) stirring is actually a thing in folk magic traditions. The more you know. Anyway.

25.

It’s a cauldron of emotions in here.

26.

I’m cauldron you later!

This is terrible. I’m including it anyway because my friend Sarah texts me this literally every time she hangs up the phone and at this point it’s become an involuntary reflex for both of us.

27. Instagram Caption Material

Resting witch face 🖤

If you haven’t already used this one every October for the past six years, what are you even doing.

28.

Why don’t witches wear flat hats? Because there’s no point in that.

29.

She’s got a pointy hat and a point to make.

30.

Don’t be a sour-cerer.

31. The Niche One That Only Theatre Kids Will Get

I asked the Wicked cast what their favorite kitchen appliance was. Elphaba said “obviously the one that defy-drates things.”

That’s not even really a witch pun, that’s a Wicked pun. I’m keeping it. My blog, my rules.

32.

She’s got a lot of charm, but no Prince Charming.

33, 35. The Hex Trilogy

• She’s hex-cellent at everything she does.
• I’m feeling hex-asperated.
• That party was hex-travagant.

Yes I just put “hex” in front of three words that start with “ex.” Yes it counts. No I will not be taking questions.

36.

My cat is my familiar. He’s very familiar with my snack schedule.

37.

What do witches use to style their hair? Scare spray.

38.

She’s a real charmer, especially with her spells.

39. Genuinely Clever (I Think)

A witch’s favorite type of investment? A hex fund.

Hedge fund → hex fund. This one sat in my notes app for three months before I realized it actually works. Financial witchcraft is an underexplored pun territory and I will die on this hill.

40.

That’s a wicked good spell!

41.

“I told the witch she needed to update her grimoire.”
“She said she prefers the Book of Shadows, less DRM.”

Okay this one requires you to know both that a Book of Shadows is a real Wiccan term AND that DRM stands for digital rights management. The Venn diagram of people who get this is small but mighty.

42.

She’s got a lot of magic up her sleeve, and maybe a few frogs.

43.

I’m not trying to be a hag about it, but I’m getting old.

44.

Witch better have my money 💰

Rihanna pun. Send it to whoever owes you $12 for lunch.

45.

She’s a real potion-ista, always mixing up something new.

46.

Why did the witch fail her exam? She couldn’t spell.

GROAN. I know, I know. But the simplicity is kinda beautiful? Like a haiku of bad comedy.

47.

I went to a witch doctor once. His bedside manor was a haunted castle.

Side note, I’ve been working on this list for way too long and I’m starting to see the word “witch” as just a collection of shapes. You know when a word stops looking like a word? I’m there. W-I-T-C-H. Witch. Witch. Nope, gone. Moving on.

48.

She’s got a lot of witch-dom to share.

49.

What’s a witch’s favorite subject in school? Spelling.

Wait, did I already do this one? I might’ve done a version of this. Whatever. It’s a slightly different angle. We’re keeping it.

50. The One That’s Barely a Pun

She made a coven-ant with her friends to always meet on the full moon.

Coven. Covenant. They already sound the same because covenant literally contains the word coven. Am I cheating? Probably. Does it count? I’m gonna say yes with low confidence.

51.

Bewitched, bothered, and bewildered, also the name of my dating life.

52.

She’s a real spell-tacular performer.

53.

What do you call a witch who’s great at baseball? Someone with a really good pitch, especially the black kind.

(Pitch as in tar/black pitch, which was associated with witchcraft. This is niche and I’m not sorry.)

54.

Don’t sweep me off my feet, I’m already on my broom.

55.

She’s not cold-hearted. She’s cauldron-hearted.

This barely works. I can feel it not working. And yet here it is, published, on the internet, forever.

56.

What do you call a nervous witch? A twitch.

57.

My broomstick broke mid-flight. Talk about a bad break-up.

58.

She’s got a lot of hocus pocus and not a lot of focus.

59.

The witch opened a restaurant. Her specialty? Broth-er, you don’t wanna know what’s in it.

I’m reaching. I can feel myself reaching. We’re in the final stretch and the quality control department has gone home for the night.

60. The Closer

Why do witches make great friends? They’re enchanting, they always have something brewing, and they never ghost you.

Wait. Actually witches totally might ghost you. Scratch that last part.

61.

She put a hex on her ex. Now he’s her hex-ex. Or her ex-hex? Idk, the grammar of magical revenge is complicated.

62.

Flying high and feeling broom-tiful ✨🧹

Last Instagram caption, I promise. Use it in October and tag me. Don’t actually tag me, I don’t have a witch Instagram. Yet.

63.

She’s a real Broom-hilda when she’s angry.

64.

What did the witch say to the other witch at happy hour? “You’re my best brew.”

65.

I asked a Cunning Man for directions once. He said “go left at the crossroads.” If you know, you know.

(Cunning folk were the actual historical term for village magic practitioners in England. This is the kind of pun that works better as a history flex than as comedy, and I’m at peace with that.)

Honestly I could keep going but my cauldron’s running dry and I’ve got a hex fund to manage. The real magic was the puns we groaned at along the way, nope, not doing that. Here’s one more for the road:

You want a good witch pun? Sorry, they’re all taken. Witch ones are left? None. That’s the whole point.