50 Sexual Name Puns That Are Hilariously Naughty

Sexual name puns are one of those things where you either grew up knowing a kid named “Dick Long” and never recovered, or you didn’t and you’ve been catching up ever since. I’ve been collecting these for an embarrassing amount of time. Some of them are clever. Most of them are not. All of them have made at least one person at a party groan so hard they left the room.

1. The Classic That Needs No Introduction

Why is Ben so popular at yoga class? Because Ben Dover is incredibly flexible.

I know. I KNOW. But you can’t do a list like this without starting here. It’s the foundation. The load-bearing wall, if you will. (You will.)

2. Dick’s Confidence

You can always count on Dick to stand up for himself.

3. The Willie Situation

What’s the best part about meeting a guy named William? You’re always happy to see Willie. And honestly, Willie is always happy to see you too, especially in the morning.

4-6. The Rapid-Fire Round

• Rod’s got something that’s genuinely hard to beat.
• Woody always gets up before his alarm goes off.
• Peter’s reputation precedes him, all eight inches of it.

I’m not proud of any of these but I’m not not proud of them either.

7. Randy

Randy’s always in the mood. For everything. Brunch, hiking, 2am texts, Randy doesn’t discriminate. Randy is, by definition, randy. This one writes itself and I refuse to try harder.

8.

She really knows how to handle Mike.

(Say it out loud. Say it faster. There it is.)

9. Mr. Cummings Returns

Why does Mr. Cummings keep showing up? Because he’s always Cummings back for more. This is one of those surnames that makes substitute teachers visibly sweat, and I think about that a lot. Like, e.e. cummings really went through life with that name and decided lowercase letters were his biggest problem.

10.

Jack’s favorite way to unwind? He likes to Jack off… a good bottle of wine. What did you think I meant?

11. The Hugh Package

What’s the most impressive thing about Hugh? He’s got a Hugh package. Massive. Took two trips from the mailroom.

Okay this one is genuinely one of my favorites because it works in actual conversation. You can say “yeah, Hugh’s got a huge, wait, I mean Hugh’s got a Hugh, ” and watch people’s brains short-circuit. Perfect for group chats. Screenshot-worthy, even.

12.

Seaman is always ready to make a deposit.

13. The Gardening One

She likes to keep her Bush well-trimmed. It’s honestly just good landscaping practice, the neighbors appreciate it, property values go up, everybody wins.

14.

“Hey, have you met Wang?”
“No, what’s he like?”
“Hard worker. Really hard. Stays up late, always delivers under pressure.”
“…are we still talking about Wang?”
“We never stopped.”

15. When Dong Arrives

When Dong rings, everyone knows it’s time for action.

I went to college with a guy whose last name was actually Dong and he was genuinely the most well-adjusted person I’ve ever met. Completely immune to it. Meanwhile I can’t even type this without giggling. I’m 34.

16.

She’s hoping to pop Cherry tonight. It’s her birthday. There will be balloons.

17. The Johnson

What’s the most notable thing about Mr. Johnson? Well, his Johnson is quite impressive, it’s a corner office on the 14th floor with a view of the park.

18-19. The International Section

Fanny is always a good time, especially in the UK. Americans hear “Fanny” and think “butt.” The British hear “Fanny” and think something significantly more forward. Cultural exchange is beautiful.

Meanwhile, Dixie’s over here making everyone look twice. “She’s always eager to Dixie” is a sentence that technically means nothing and yet communicates everything.

20. Phil

She loves to Phil him up. Full tank. No complaints.

I’m sorry. That one’s bad. Like, objectively bad. I typed it, looked at it, sighed, and kept it in anyway because this is a safe space for terrible puns and I will not be shamed.

21.

He Drew it out for a long, long time. Drew has stamina. Drew has patience. Drew should teach a masterclass.

22. Lance Goes Deep

Lance is always ready to make a deep impression. Jousting puns and sexual puns have more overlap than you’d think, and I’ve thought about this more than any person should.

23.

She loves to Pierce him in all the right places.

24. The Beaver Dam

He loves to get down and dirty with Beaver. They go camping. They build things together. Nature stuff. Very wholesome if you don’t think about it. Very unwholesome if you do.

25-27. The Surname Gauntlet

• She can’t wait to get her hands on Cox. (Cox is an actual surname belonging to real humans who have to introduce themselves at job interviews. Respect.)
• Mr. Glasscock showed up to the reunion and nobody could keep it together.
• The Dickinsons have entered the chat.

28.

His enthusiasm started to Wayne after a long night. It waned. It Wayne’d. Look, you get it.

Tbh this one’s a stretch and I know it. Moving on.

29. The Harry Situation

He’s got a lot of Harry on his mind. Specifically below the belt. Harry’s everywhere. Harry won’t leave.

30. Shaft

Shaft is a bad mother, shut your mouth! I’m just talking about Shaft.

This is technically a movie reference more than a name pun but the name IS the pun, the pun IS the name, and I will die on this hill. Also this is genuinely one of the best character names in cinema history. Someone in a writers’ room said “what if we just… named him Shaft” and everyone said yes. Legend behavior.

31.

She got Stu-ck and honestly didn’t seem to mind.

32. Anita

Anita Mann. Say it fast. Anita Mann. There’s a famous drag queen with this name and honestly? Perfect execution. No notes.

33-35. Names You Can Actually Text Someone

These all work as standalone messages to ruin someone’s afternoon:

• “Just met a guy named Hugh Jardon. I can’t.”
• “Apparently Mike Oxlong is a real person on LinkedIn.”
• “My uber driver’s name was Richard Head and I had to stare out the window the entire ride.”

Send any of these to a friend with zero context. You’re welcome.

36.

I told my coworker about my friend Harden and she said “Harden who?” and I said “Harden Long” and she didn’t talk to me for the rest of the shift. Worth it.

37. The Subtle One

Why does everyone like spending time at the Moorecocks’ house? Great hospitality. Spacious living room.

Moorecock is a real English surname, by the way. It comes from “moor” + “cock” as in a male moorhen. Completely innocent etymology. Completely devastating on a name tag.

38.

Connie Lingus is available for parties.

39. The One I’m Actually Proud Of

There’s a name, Gaylord Focker, that an entire Hollywood franchise was built around, and somehow nobody in the pitch meeting said “are we sure about this?” They were sure. They made three movies. Ben Stiller bought a house off this pun. Multiple houses, probably. I think about the economics of sexual name puns more than my actual finances, which explains a lot about my life.

40.

Oliver Clothesoff walked into the bar and walked out with everyone’s attention.

41-42.

Amanda Lay is always booked on weekends. Meanwhile, her friend Amanda Mount prefers the outdoors.

43. The Deep Cut

If you know the name “Ivor Biggun” you’re either British, over 40, or both. He was a real novelty musician in the UK. His actual stage name. Released albums. This man walked into BBC studios and said “yes, my name is Ivor Biggun” with a straight face and they just… let him. The 1970s were lawless.

44.

Pat McGroin just wants to be left alone, honestly.

45. Ngl This One’s Terrible

Why did Eileen get so popular? Because everyone wants Eileen Dover. Get it? Like… lean over? I’ll see myself out. I won’t, actually. There are fifteen more of these.

46.

Jenny Talia is a name I once saw on a fake ID in college and I still haven’t fully processed it.

47-49. The Stretches

These barely count. I’m including them out of contractual obligation to chaos.

Justin, as in “Justin time” for a booty call. (Weak. I know.)

Barb Dwyer, okay this one isn’t even sexual, it’s just a great terrible name. Ignore this. Wait no, keep it. It’s staying.

Ivana Humpalot. Austin Powers did this one and I can’t improve upon it so I’m just acknowledging it exists and moving on with my life.

50. The Halfway Point Reflection

We’re deep in it now. Kinda impressed you’re still here. Let’s keep going.

51.

Betty Humpter showed up and everyone suddenly remembered they had somewhere to be.

52. The Understated One

“I’d like you to meet my friend, Mister Bates.”
“First name?”
“…Master.”
“His name is Master Bates?”
“He prefers ‘Mr.’ actually.”

53.

Chris Peacock is a name that exists in the wild. On business cards. On email signatures. Chris Peacock sends professional correspondence and nobody blinks because they can’t afford to.

54-56. The Instagram Caption Pack

Drop any of these under a thirst trap and watch the comments explode:

• “Feeling very Randy today 😏”
• “Big Woody energy”
• “Cox appreciation post”

57.

Phil McCracken called and he wants his dignity back.

He’s not getting it.

58. The Historian’s Pun

There was a real British MP named Sir Nicholas Fairbairn. Not a pun per se, but “fair bairn” is Scots for “beautiful child” and he was famously one of the most scandalous politicians in UK history. Sometimes life writes the pun for you and all you can do is take notes.

59.

I once met someone whose actual legal name was Mike Hunt. He introduced himself and the room went completely silent for about three seconds before someone coughed and said “nice to meet you, Michael.” The social contract holding that room together was made of tissue paper and prayers.

60. Wayne Kerr

Say it with a British accent. Wayne Kerr. Faster. Wayne Kerr.

There’s an actual electronics company called Wayne Kerr. They make impedance analyzers. Whoever named that company knew exactly what they were doing and I respect them enormously.

61.

Don Kedick just wants to play basketball in peace.

62-63. The Final Push

Drew Peacock. Say it fast. Cry about it.

And finally, because I saved something genuinely good for the end, there’s a former Australian politician named Dick Pound. He’s actually Canadian. He was a VP of the International Olympic Committee. Dick Pound represented athletes on a global stage and nobody could say his name on live television without the anchor’s eye twitching slightly. A hero.

Anyway, I’ve got a meeting with Harry Balzac and I’m already late. Look him up, he’s a real French novelist. Honoré de Balzac. Close enough.