Alpaca Puns: 60 So Woolly Funny You’ll Spit

Alpacas are objectively the funniest livestock. I don’t make the rules. They look like someone put a sheep through a dryer on high heat and then gave it bangs, and honestly that energy is what I aspire to every single day. Anyway, I’ve been sitting on this list for a while and some of these are genuinely good and some of them should probably be arrested.

1. The classic (you already know it)

Going on a trip? Alpaca my bags.

Yeah, it’s the most obvious one. It’s the “why did the chicken cross the road” of alpaca puns. But you can’t make a list like this and not lead with it. It’s the law.

2. Alpaca-dabra!

For my next trick, I’ll make this entire ball of yarn disappear. (This one works better if you wave your hooves dramatically. Just trust me.)

3. The vacation angle

I told my boss I needed an alpaca-tion. She said I couldn’t take one. I said that’s fine, I’ll just stand in a field and stare blankly into the middle distance, same thing, really.

4.

No prob-llama, that’s alpaca behavior.

5. Prison break

Don’t send me to Alpaca-traz! I’m innocent! All I did was steal some fleece!

I’m unreasonably proud of this one even though I didn’t invent it.

6. Instagram-ready

Caption: “Fleece navidad 🎄🦙”

That’s it. That’s the post. Use it in December. You’re welcome.

7. The rapid-fire round

• I’d like a pack-a these alpacas, please.
• Take one and pass the rest alpac-a the group.
• It’s all pack-a fun when alpacas are involved.

Three variations on the same phonetic trick. I’m not sorry. Okay I’m a little sorry about that second one.

8.

What do you call an alpaca who’s a musician? A spitter (like… a rapper who spits bars? AND alpacas spit? Come on, that’s at least a B-minus).

9. The suri situation

Subtitle: For the fiber nerds

Suri alpacas have long, silky locks instead of the crimpy fleece you see on huacayas. So when someone asks me which breed I prefer, I say “I’m not suri about that.” And then I leave the room before anyone can respond because that’s barely a pun and I know it.

10.

Why did the alpaca cross the road? To prove it wasn’t a llama.

11. Genuinely good, one of my favorites

My alpaca started a podcast. It’s mostly just humming.

If you don’t know, alpacas actually communicate by humming. It’s this soft, constant sound they make and it’s honestly the most soothing thing on earth. So yeah, an alpaca podcast would just be two hours of gentle humming and tbh I’d subscribe.

12.

What do alpacas say when they’re leaving? “Alpaca later!”

13.

“You’re so dramatic.”
“Excuse me, I’m an al-PACA punch.”

14. The fiber arts corner

Alpaca fiber is hypoallergenic, warmer than sheep’s wool, and doesn’t contain lanolin. So basically alpacas are the luxury brand of the camelid world. Which means:

Alpaca fleece? Worth every penne. Wait. Penny. (I was thinking about lunch.)

15.

What do you call a very tidy alpaca? An al-spic-and-span-a. Nope. That doesn’t work at all. Moving on.

16. Text you’d send a friend

“hey are you free this weekend? alpaca picnic if you are 🧺”

17.

My alpaca refuses to share. Real wool-fish behavior.

18. The cushing position

Subtitle: Obscure alpaca knowledge incoming

When alpacas sit down, it’s called “cushing.” They fold their legs under their body and just plop down like a loaf of bread. So: my alpaca’s favorite movie? The Cushing of the Christ. No wait, that’s terrible and also offensive. Let me try again. My alpaca sits down so much I call him a cushin for the pushin. That’s WORSE. Okay: why was the alpaca so comfortable? Because it was always cushing it.

Fine. None of those were good. I’m leaving all three in so you can watch me struggle in real time.

19.

Alpacas never gossip. They’re great at keeping things under wraps.

20. One I’m actually proud of

What’s an alpaca’s favorite type of music? Anything with a good spit take.

BECAUSE THEY SPIT. And a spit take is a comedy thing. This one works on two levels and I will not be accepting criticism.

21.

I asked an alpaca for directions and it just stared at me. Typical, they never give a straight alpanswer.

That was a stretch. A big stretch. Like a yoga stretch. Like an alpaca doing yoga, which, actually, google that, it’s a thing now apparently.

22.

What do you call a group of alpacas running in sync? A fleece formation.

23. The cria callback

Baby alpacas are called crias. This is real. And it sounds like “cria-te” so: what do baby alpacas do in art class? They cria-te masterpieces.

Niche? Yes. Worth it? Debatable.

24.

My alpaca’s a great therapist. Very good listener. Never interrupts. Just hums supportively.

25. Cluster bomb

• Alpaca your lunch.
• Alpaca spare change just in case.
• Alpaca jacket, it looks cold out.
• Alpaca snack for the road.

Yeah, these are all the same joke. Sometimes you gotta commit to a bit.

26.

Why don’t alpacas ever win at poker? They always show their wool hand.

27.

I tried to race an alpaca once. It was a shear disaster.

28. For the gram

“no drama, just llama’s weird cousin 🦙✌️”

29.

What’s an alpaca’s favorite Shakespeare play?

Much Ado About Fluffing.

30. The long game, and maybe my favorite on the whole list

An alpaca walks into a bar. Bartender says, “Why the long face?” Alpaca says, “I’m not a horse.” Bartender says, “Sorry, what are you?” Alpaca says, “I’m a camelid, actually, from the family Camelidae, domesticated from the wild vicuña in the Andes roughly 6,000 years ago.” Bartender says, “Cool, what can I get you?” Alpaca says, “Hay.”

The anti-joke structure here is doing all the heavy lifting and I love it. The pun is the least funny part and that’s the point.

31.

Spit happens.

32.

Did you hear about the alpaca who won the lottery? It was a million-HAIR winner.

33. Quick tangent

I keep seeing alpaca cafés popping up everywhere and I’m torn between “this is exploitative” and “I would absolutely pay twelve dollars to drink a latte near an alpaca.” The duality of man.

34.

What do you call an alpaca who tells jokes? A comedi-hen. Wait, that’s chickens. A comedi-YAK? No that’s… okay fine. A woolly good time.

I gave up halfway through and I’m keeping the wreckage.

35.

“How’s the new alpaca?”
“Oh, she’s a keeper.”
“No, she’s a spitter.”

36.

My alpaca just graduated. Magna cum llama.

This is technically a llama pun but alpacas and llamas are cousins and I’m counting it. Fight me.

37. Micron count

Subtitle: Another one for the fiber people

Alpaca fiber quality is measured in microns, the lower the micron count, the softer and more valuable the fleece. Royal baby alpaca fiber can be under 20 microns. So: I tried to measure my alpaca’s worth but the results were too fine to quantify. Get it? Fine? Because the fiber is fine? Because microns?

Okay that one needs a PhD to land. Moving on.

38.

My alpaca’s been working out. Looking absolutely fleeced.

39.

What do alpacas eat before a workout? Spit-nach.

40. Text energy

“dude this party is boring alpaca it in and go home”

41.

Why are alpacas so calm? Because they’ve mastered the art of not giving a spit.

42.

I tried to insult an alpaca once. It just looked at me with those big brown eyes and I apologized. They have this kinda quiet dignity that makes you feel like the idiot. Which, to be fair, I was, I was trying to insult a livestock animal.

43.

What’s an alpaca’s favorite candy? Cotton candy. Because they basically ARE cotton candy.

44. The pronk

Baby alpacas do this thing called pronking where they jump straight up in the air with all four legs. It’s the purest expression of joy in the animal kingdom. So: why was the cria so happy? It was having a pronking good time.

Groan-worthy? Absolutely. But I had to include it because pronking is a real word and more people should know about it.

45.

An alpaca’s favorite day of the week? Shears-day.

46.

My alpaca started a band called The Fleece-tones.

47.

Ngl, I’ve been writing alpaca puns for about two hours now and I’m starting to lose my grip on reality. Every word looks like it could contain “alpaca” if I squint hard enough. Apocalypse? Alpaca-lypse. That’s where we’re at.

48. Deadpan delivery

Alpacas are herd animals. They experience genuine distress when separated from the group. This is called herd-bound behavior. They also produce some of the finest natural fiber on earth, can live for 15-20 years, and are used as guard animals for sheep.

None of that was a pun. I just think they’re neat.

49.

What do you call an alpaca in a tuxedo? Sophis-fleece-ated.

50. Half-century mark!

We’re at fifty and I refuse to do a “halfway there” joke because we’re actually more than halfway and also Bon Jovi puns are a different list entirely.

51.

“I told my alpaca a secret.”
“And?”
“It’s still humming about it.”

52.

What do you call an alpaca who can’t stop talking? An al-yak-a.

That’s cross-species wordplay and I’m not apologizing.

53. This one’s for the captions

“wool you be my friend? 🦙💕”

54.

An alpaca’s favorite movie genre? Anything with a good twist, they love a good yarn.

55.

Why don’t alpacas use social media? Too much drama. They prefer llama-free zones.

56. The orgle

Subtitle: This is the weirdest one on the list

When male alpacas are… mating… they make this sound called an orgle. It’s this bizarre, guttural, almost otherworldly noise. Google it. Actually don’t, you’ll regret it. Anyway: what’s an alpaca’s favorite instrument? The orgle. Like an organ but worse. So much worse. I’m sorry I brought this up.

57.

My alpaca’s writing a memoir. Working title: “Fleece and Quiet.”

58.

What do alpacas say when they agree with each other?

“Shear, shear.”

59. The one I keep thinking about at 2 AM

If an alpaca opened a law firm, would it be called Fleece, Wool & Associates? Would their slogan be “We’ll never spit on the truth”? Would their letterhead have little hooves on it? I’ve thought about this too much. Way too much.

60. Last one

What did the alpaca say at the end of a very long pun list?

“That’s wool, folks.”

Gonna go lie down in a field now. If an alpaca hums at me, I’ll probably cry. In a good way.